Child Loss: A New, Frightening, Lonely World

This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, but I’m going to share it anyway.  I hope I’m not alone in this, but you know what? I’m going to share because I know that grief does really strange things to the way a person thinks.

I just watched a video of a man and his significant other being interviewed about winning the big Powerball.  Millions and millions of dollars.  They were happy.  They were teasing.  They were laughing.  And, they made the statement, “No more worries.  Life is going to be so different now.  We can live out our dreams, take care of our kids and families.  We’ll never work again.  We’re ecstatic!”

And, you know what?  I felt mad.  I felt jealous.  I felt angry.  Really, really angry at the unfairness of life!  I didn’t at all feel happy for him.  And, I guess I’m here to say that I don’t really care that I feel this way.  Grief has a way of changing your heart.  It really does.  We try so hard to be happy for others, but deep down inside there is always this gnawing that says, “Why?  Why did this have to happen?  I didn’t ask for the moon.  I only wanted a regular life.  Just everyday, normal life. Why this?”

This blog isn’t so much a personal story as it is a pouring out of my thoughts, sharing my pain, and giving some insights about child loss so that as we gather here together we can get some much-needed support and encouragement.  This is a place where we can be who we are and not be judged for it.  It’s a place where we can say, “You know what?  I’m mad at everybody and everything right now!”  and we know that we’ll still receive the support we need.

When my sister Carmella, or “Mellie” as we called her, died we weren’t at all prepared for the way our family as we once knew it would change.  Who is ever prepared?  How can you ever even imagine what losing a child will be like?

When my sister died, nobody in the house knew how to act.

I remember one specific horrifying incident that happened not too long after Mellie died.  My mother wasn’t a person to share her feelings.  Ever.  You never knew what was going on in her head, so I was clueless about what she was thinking when my sister died.  I just know she drank a lot, took lots of pills, and would lock herself in the bathroom, fill the bathtub and cry for hours on end. It was frightening to hear the loud, moaning that would come from deep within her soul.  Worse yet was when she stopped crying because I feared she was dead.

Before Mellie died, our family never missed a church service.  Three times a week we were at church.  We helped start our home congregation and opened up our home on Wednesday nights for Bible study.  After Mellie’s death, my dad quit church completely, and it was rare for my mom to ever go.  I would call on Saturday nights and ask people from church to pick me and Ruthie up for Sunday school.  Never once did they call to ask if we needed a ride.  Shame on them!  And, I mean that!! Shame, shame on them!  I’ve always wanted to tell them to their faces, but they are no longer around or I would!  Two young girls asking for rides to church.  Really?  They should have been calling us asking what we needed!  (I guess I’m in a ranting mood today!)  Our lives felt as drab, broken down, and empty as this old falling down shanty of a house in this picture.  We didn’t know how to live any more.  And, there seemed to be nobody around who even cared.  I think grieving families scare people, and let’s face it, being around deep, heavy grief is no fun.

This one morning my mother was sobbing and screaming and choking as she cried, and I couldn’t take it any more.  I needed a parent, but they were so heavy in grief that they couldn’t function.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but I sure do now!  Anyway, I saw our family Bible laying on the desk where it had been placed ever since Mellie’s death, so I went over and picked it up.  Previously, we had daily devotionals at home — never missed a day!  My mom was usually the one who would read a story and some verses from the Bible, and then we’d all take part in saying a prayer.  That’s how we began our day.

So, in my thinking, if I could just get things back to how they used to be we’d be okay.  I picked up the Bible and handed it to my mom and asked her if we could read something from the Bible together.  Instead of her reaching for the Bible to read from it, she grabbed it from my hands and threw it across the room!  “I don’t want to hear about how good God is today!  I don’t want to read anything about God!  Not today!!  I just want Mellie back with us!”

I’m sobbing as I’m writing this because I had no idea how much pain she held in and how much anger she must have had with God at that time.

Why?  Why does God allow such horrible things to happen?  My sister had a life of sickness.  She couldn’t breathe.  It was so scary for her.  She died in one of the worst ways a child could ever die. A little girl who had to endure so much suffering.  A family who had to stand helplessly by as she struggled for every breath. Of course my mother couldn’t reconcile God’s love with this!

And, I didn’t expect her to.  I just wanted life as it used to be.  And, that was never going to happen again.  Ever.  There would always be a void.  Mellie would never be at another Christmas.  She’d never celebrate another birthday.  She’d never sit at our table and eat Thanksgiving dinner with us.  She was gone and our hearts were empty.

And, we were full of questions about God and His fairness.

Maybe that’s why I go so angry hearing about that man winning the Powerball.  He was happy.  He said he jumped up and down when he finally saw he had the winning numbers!  Why?  Why, I wonder, do things like this happen? One person gets so much, and so many have to suffer so much.  Most people are satisfied to live humble lives.  Most people are honest, hard-working, good-hearted people.  All they want is to live life in a caring way.  I truly believe most people are happy with what they have.  So, why does something like child loss have to enter the picture and change the sky from sunny to dark?  Why couldn’t God just leave things alone?

I’m not going to get into a philosophical discussion today about the goodness of God or how we live in a fallen world.  I know He is divine.  I know He is good beyond words.  I know His love is pure and His power is mighty.

What I don’t know is why children have to die too soon.  What I don’t know is why so much suffering comes to innocent children.  What I don’t know is why so many people have to suffer so much pain.

I don’t want you to be left thinking that my family stayed angry at God forever.  We didn’t.  But, the pain remains forever.  My mom died at age 57 and I’m sure she died of a broken heart.  She was faithful to God in her final years but she was very sick from years of heavy drinking as she grieved the loss of my sister.  My dad died alone.  He left all family and moved away in the mountains to live away from everyone he knew and had loved.  My baby sister has seen so much grief in her lifetime that all she ever talks about is longing for the day she can go “home.”

And, me…..I believe in God.  He is my strength.  He is the Lord of my soul.

But…..I still don’t get it….the inequity in life is so terrible.  So much suffering.  So, so much suffering. Sure, I’d love to win the Powerball and never have to worry about money again.  But I’ll be totally honest with you.  All the Powerballs in the world wouldn’t be worth the joy of living in a complete family again.

That’s all I ever wanted…………

Love,

Clara

If your heart resonated with the words in this blog, then you will benefit by:

Clara’s Child Loss Book

Hope 365 – Meditations for a Grieving Soul

Clara’s Child Loss Blog