Child Loss: Things People Say

Losing a child is horrible.  There is no description that can define the pain.  Unless you’ve lived it, you can’t fully “get it”, and there’s not one person who has experienced the loss of a child that would wish this kind of pain on anyone — not even their worst enemy. 

There are some things that are a blur and will always remain a blur following the death of my thirteen year old sister and then later on following the loss of my son and six miscarried babies.  But, the things that remain clear to me are the things that were said to me during my darkest hours of grief. The words that were meant to soothe the pain often didn’t.  And years later, I often find myself thinking about those careless words spoken so many years ago.

I don’t believe people mean to hurt when they say things to a grieving parent.  But, the words just seem to come out all wrong.  And, so it is my hope that by sharing some of these things others won’t continue to make the same mistakes.

“She was sick, so it’s best that she died young and didn’t have years of suffering ahead.”

“God always chooses the most beautiful flowers first.”

“God needed one more angel and so He chose yours.”

“It’s for the best.  You would have had a lifetime of struggles with a child that was sick.”

“Accidents happen.  That’s just how life is.”

“The next time you get pregnant, you need to take better care of yourself.”

“You’re so lucky that you have two other children.  Just count your blessings.”

“At least you had her for a while with you.  Some people never get the chance.”

“The baby probably had something wrong with it.  That’s why these things happen.  Count yourself blessed that this loss happened.”

“Rely on your faith.  It will get your through.”

“Just pray and everything will be okay.”

“Well, this was just not meant to be.”

“You’re strong.  You’ll get through this just fine.”

“In a few weeks you’ll be feeling good as new.”

“I lost my dog last year, so I know how bad you’re hurting.”

“I know just how you feel.”

“I know a lady who lost two children at one time.  At least you only lost one.”

“Think of it this way — God chooses only the strong to carry this much pain.  You’re one of God’s strong ones.”

“Time heals all things.”

“If you keep busy, you’ll feel much better in a few weeks.”

“In another month you’ll be pregnant again.”

“Now your lives will settle down.  I know dealing with a sick child was wearing you down.”

“God teaches us great lessons through our pain.”

I could go on for probably another hour with things that were said, but I’m sure you’re getting the picture.  I believe each of this things were said by people who meant well, but……the words only pierced deeper into the already open wound left by child loss.

Nobody can know exactly how another person feels!  God doesn’t need more angels or flowers in heaven.  No, life wouldn’t be easier or better without my child.  There are no replacements for children.  Time does not heal all things.  Great lessons can be learned through our pain, but great lessons can also be learned through our joy.  A few weeks isn’t enough time to bring about any healing from child loss.  And, faith is not measured by the amount of grieving we do.

Need I go on?  Words can hurt so much — even when they’re meant to help.

What helped me the most?  I often tell this story when I’m speaking to others about what to say to a grieving parent.  Something that helped me the most was hearing no words.  I will never forget when my son died a man from church coming up to me and just put his arm around me and allowed me to weep on his shoulder.  He had no words.  His eyes cried tears of sorrow with me.  He walked me to the car and gently helped me sit down.  As he waved good-bye his tears ran down his cheeks like a gentle rain.

I knew he was sharing my pain, and that helped me so much!

Also greatly appreciated were the words, “I’m praying for you.  I don’t know what to say that can help you feel better, but I’ll pray every day for God to somehow bring hope to you in this time of sadness.”

You and I know that there are no words that can bring healing.  And, tears are only a little bit water and a lot of feeling.  That’s why it helps so much to know that others are sharing in our pain in a sincere way.  We don’t need people telling us how to grow a bigger faith, how to stay busy and forget out pain, or how things will get better in few days.

We need a few moments of genuine sharing in our pain and a gentle hug and shared tear.

My love to each one who visits this site.  If you are in the darkness of grief right now, I am praying.  I have walked this path of child loss and it’s not easy.  But, together as we share and care, we will begin to find new meaning in the days ahead.

Love,

Clara

If you are in the Somerset – Johnstown , Pa area on November 14th, I’d love for you to join me and others as we talk about how to face the holidays without our child.  I promise you an evening of encouragement!  You can register here.