Married to a Pedophile: A Message to Survivors of Abuse

Today’s post is going to veer off the path of my usual because I feel the urgency to send out a special message to all those whose lives have been touched in some way by abuse.  Every day I receive many emails from victims of abuse and the same message is relayed to me over and over again.

I feel so dirty.  It must have been my fault.  He told me he did it because I made him.  I feel worthless.  I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.  I feel used.  

This post in response to a letter I received from John — my ex-husband who is now serving a minimum sentence of 30 years in prison for violating young children.

His letter to me began with these words, “I’m sorry I’ve ruined your life.” 

As soon as I read those words I could feel my entire body stiffen, and my breathing became labored.  Call it inner rage.  Call it a knee-jerk response to words that were far, far from the truth.  Call it my way of dealing with the reality of my life.  Call it what you want, but I sat on the floor and screamed, “John Hinton I have news for you!  You did NOT ruin my life!  You tried to, but you didn’t succeed!  I won’t ever let you have that satisfaction! I will not give you that kind of power over me!”

And, then I fell to the floor in a rag doll heap and cried for hours and hours until I could cry no more.  No, I wasn’t crying for myself, but I was crying for the many ways this one man’s actions touched the lives of so many innocent children causing them to feel dirty and ugly and unworthy of ever being loved.  Rarely does a day go by without shedding tears for the ones who innocently fell at the hands of this molester.

Twenty-three victims came forth and told their story, but that isn’t the whole picture of how many children were inflicted with pain from this one man.  The circle is wide and spreads far and we will never know the true extent of how many children were harmed.

But, this I do know.  John Hinton does not hold the power of any of these children any more to “ruin” their lives.  Nobody holds that power over anyone and this is a message that needs to be shouted to the far corners of the earth.

You are worthy!  You are worthy to be loved completely, genuinely, and in a godly way.  You are a child of God, and you are worthy!  YOU ARE WORTHY! 

There isn’t a sure-fire “cure” so-to-speak for victims of abuse.  *note:  I hate the word victim because it indicates helplessness and those who have been molested are HEROES in my book — not victims.

Every day children must face their abusers.  Every day there are John Hintons roaming around groping, grabbing, touching, pulling, tugging, smirking, fondling, and yes — “raping” children taking away their innocence.  And, these children will struggle forever and always with issues of self-worth UNTIL they can experience two things.

First and foremost, I believe with all of my heart that only God can take away this kind of pain and create a new spirit within.  Secondly, I believe that when we become instruments of God’s love and constantly give the message, “You are worthy” healing from the brokenness and shame of abuse will take place.

It’s easy to become judgmental of children who become involved in promiscuous behavior at a young age.  We tend to look down on children who numb themselves with drugs.  We often fail to recognize the link between abuse and self-inflicting painful behavior.  Shame, fear, pain, and trauma (all linked to child sexual molestation) can drive a child to behaviors that they don’t understand, but that all have one common theme — these behaviors temporarily make them feel loved and accepted. And, they temporarily numb the extremely horrifying pain and isolation of abuse.

I’m not at all condoning that behavior, but I am trying to understand what it must feel like to have your innocence stripped away time and time again and to live in the constant fear of trying to hide this shame and being made to feel like you are the one responsible.

I cannot imagine what this must be like.  And, so I weep.  And, then I get angry.  And, then I scream, “YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!”  “You are a beautiful life.  A worthy life.  A life that is to be treasured.  And, YOU ARE WORTHY!”

Statistics tell us that one in every four girls is molested by the time she reaches her teens and one in every seven boys experiences this horrid pain.  Try to wrap your brain around those statistics.  And, then take away the word “statistic” and replace it with the word “child.” 

This is the world in which we live.  This is the world that has been created by child sex molesters.  They have roamed free for too long.  One day is far too long!  They have not been challenged.  They’ve been too smart.  But, not any more!!!!!  You and I will continue to get educated and learn how to better protect our children from this harm. You and I will become a loud, strong voice for the children!

And, together we will be on a mission to spread God’s message of love to the wounded.  YOU ARE WORTHY!  You are loved and you are worthy! 

Chances are you have friends who have been molested as a child.  Chances are you sit in church next to someone who was molested as a child.  Chances are you go to school with someone who has been molested as a child.  Chances are you work out at the gym with someone who was molested as a child.  Chances are you work with someone who was molested as a child.  Chances are you have a family member who was molested as a child. Chances are you know a child who is being molested right now.

Maybe you are reading this and you were molested as a child.

Please hear my message today.  The John Hintons of this world cannot take away the one thing from you that matters most and that is your worth!!!!!  They can try.  But, they cannot and will not take that away.

You are loved!!!!  And, YOU ARE WORTHY!

Please share this message.   Please help heal a broken heart.  Please give hope to those who need to hear the message that everyone has worth!

Love,

Clara

PS  I’ve added a resource for you to print off and use.  Please visit the resources section of this site and print off your guide to recognizing child abuse in children. Use this guide.  Share it.  Read it often.  And, please remember that some kids have gone through hell as a child due to the actions of their abusers.  Let’s do all we can to help them find true healing.  Let’s begin by sharing the message, “You are worthy!”