Married to a Pedophile: Loving the Lonely

Thank you for continuing to read this blog and to take this seriously.  When I first began sharing my story, I wasn’t exactly sure how this would unfold.  Would people get tired of reading this?  Would people think this was made up drama?  Would people turn away and say this is too much?

Thankfully, you’ve stayed.  And, you’ve shared.  And, you’ve opened up.  Many of you have emailed and said, “This is the first time in my life that I’m telling anyone I was sexually abused as a child.”  That’s powerfully healing!!! And, for that I’m so very thankful.  Something that has triggered anger in me, though, is hearing over and over again from the abused about how difficult it is to find a place in this life where there is a feeling of safety, value, and worth.       I am worthy, but you have it all wrong.  I’m not worthy, and never have been!” I’m angry because pedophiles have done so much harm to children — deep, lasting harm and then the children grow up into adults and have to search long and hard on this difficult path to find a way to heal.  Often there are people in their faces telling them, “You have to forgive!  Right now you have to forgive or you’ll never heal!” There is a time for forgiveness, but that might be a long time down the road for many who have been sexually abused as a child.

I find myself clenching my teeth and gripping my hand into a fist.  I want to lash out at the abusers.  I want to hurt them. I want to hurt John Hinton.  Yes, many days I think about how I would like to find ways to hurt him like he hurt so many children. But, then I stop.  I catch my breath.  And, I know that inflicting pain on another is never a way of bringing about healing.  Ever.  That will never bring about peace.  Causing pain to another only brings more pain into our own lives.

And, so I will continue to educate others, and ask that you continue to read.  Continue to share your stories.  Continue to talk to others about this difficult subject.  Let others know that we’re forming a strong and mighty voice that is being heard.  And, we will continue to make it very difficult for molesters to get near our children!

On with my story……..  John loved the lonely, and that’s a wonderful way to be.  He reached out to the aged and outcast.  He was very comfortable spending time with the lonely in nursing homes.  He was known for his kind heart and love to those people who were often deemed the unlovable.  John paid attention to those who needed attention — both young and old. And, he was adored because of this beautiful part of his life.  He was especially loved because he showered children with attention! As I look back on our lives together and think about “red flags” that I missed, one of the biggest red flags of all was John’s ability to pick out lonely children.  He had a keen eye for studying people.  He prided himself in that.  And, he was especially great at noticing children who needed some extra love and attention.

I can remember John going out of his way time and time again to go up to children and scoop them up in his arms, swing them around, and tickle them silly.  He said he loved to get them to giggle.  He could always be seen toting a little one around.  Slobbering babies didn’t bother him.  Neither did their messy diapers.  He was always so kind to mothers and fathers by offering to take their child and change their diaper, rock the child and feed the child a bottle.  He was, in the eyes of so many, the perfect man.

And, the truth is, it seemed that way at the time. I thought it was so nice of him to be so patient with children — especially with other people’s children.  I don’t know about you, but I always found it difficult to be patient with kids who were extremely needy.  Not John!  He was there for them!  He took them on walks in the woods.  Went searching for salamanders.  He’d plan kids’ parties and always — always — he insisted that he would be the chaperone. Again, at the time I thought he was being wonderful!  He’d tell me, “Why don’t we plan a fun afternoon.  The kids can invite their friends over and you can prop your feet up and read a good book.  I’ll entertain them.”

He had painting parties.  Swimming parties.  Basketball parties.  Bible bee parties.  Frisbee golf parties.  (Is that a real game or one he thought up?)  Hide-and-seek parties.  You name it, and he had the party!

Recently I spent several hours looking back in photo albums and I noticed there seemed to be one thing missing from the pictures of party gatherings — ME!  Why?  Because that was “my time” — given to me by John to have a break from the kids. I was always separated from John and the children.  This was his gift to me — some peace and quiet.

There was only one thing wrong, though.  John’s priorities were wrong and these gatherings caused more than one argument between us.  We didn’t have the money to feed a bunch of extra kids.  I wasn’t thrilled about having friends of friends of friends that I didn’t know running through our house digging in my cupboards, rummaging through my refrigerator, dragging mud all through the house and watching John romp and play with them leaving no time for “us.”

My cry for years was, “Where do I fit in?  You’re Mr. Fun and Games for everyone else except for me!  Why can’t you ever pencil in any time just for us?” Now that I know some of the grooming techniques of pedophiles, I understand more of what these parties were about.  They were a way of John having access to kids!  They were a way of John tickling, touching, groping, and viewing what he loved the most — children.  They were a way of him coming off as a hero to so many neighborhood parents while he was using their children for his self-gratification.  This was John’s way of showing neglected children a wonderful time while he used them to give him sexual thrills.

I get sick now that I understand the mind and workings of a true pedophile — which is what John is. How do I know this is true?  I am no longer the naïve innocent wife I was twenty, thirty, or forty years ago.  It’s NOT normal to want to spend time tickling someone else’s kids when you could be spending time with your wife!  It’s not normal to get “giddy” about planning kids’ parties when you’re a 50-year-old man who hasn’t seen his wife for a week or more at a time.  It isn’t normal for a 55 or 60 year old man to want to change other people’s kids’ messy diapers!  NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL!!!!   

Yet……..John sought out the lonely.  He was kind to the underdog.  He provided a loving atmosphere for kids who weren’t getting that at home. And, he was a hero.

Listen, friends.  Listen carefully please.  Pedophiles know what they are doing.  They “get off” by fondling a child right in front of an adult as much as they would if they had sex with that child.  Part of their climactic thrill is knowing they’re getting away with this in front of others.

Pedophilia develops in stages….from the planning and grooming, to the games and trickery, to the fondling, touching, and undressing, and finally to the actually act of having sex with the child.  This is what we’re talking about!  Serious stuff!  Harmful, despicable crimes done against little children — innocent children who are then left feeling like they are to blame.

Yes, I’m angry.  I’m very angry that I didn’t stop John’s behavior.  I’m very angry that I didn’t know what a pedophile was.  I’m very angry that I wasn’t suspicious of him.  I’m very angry that I fell for his lies.  I’m very angry that he used children — right in front of me!! I’m angry and grieved that so many innocent children were harmed by this man who was so respected and loved because it seemed like he was showing love to the lonely!

In the book, “Not With My Child”, there is a chapter title called, “Where Pedophiles Find Lonely Youth.” Some examples are:  *career families, divorcing families, single-parent families, latch-key homes, youth events, public schools, special schools, foster homes, orphanages, the internet, malls, playgrounds, parks, arcades, and movies, some wealthy families, streets, socially restrictive families, and sexually abusive families.*

I will tell you that John used every one of these places as places where he sought out the lonely and neglected children! Does this mean that every person who volunteers to chaperone a party, visit a sick child, be a foster parent, or takes kids to and from youth events and school events is a pedophile?  Of course not!  What I am saying is when these things take precedence over being a husband and father in your own home, then something is very, very wrong.  What I am saying is if this person who attaches to the lonely is never supervised and is always alone with children, something is very, very wrong.  What I am saying is — this is what pedophiles are banking on. They want you to see them as kind, innocent, caring adults and never question them.

It’s time to step up to the plate and make everyone accountable!!!!!  If you see things that don’t seem right, question them.  Stop being so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings!  You just might be saving a child from something so horrible that it will haunt that child all the days of his or her life! John was loved and adored by literally thousands of people because of his loving kindness towards all — especially the lonely and needy children. John Hinton is also a convicted pedophile who committed hundreds of sex crimes against children that we know of, and only God knows how many that we will never know of.

Open your eyes.  Ask questions.  Be alert!  For the sake of the children, please, please make all adults who have access to children accountable! Stop placing full trust in your child’s babysitter, teacher, preacher,  and daycare worker. Keep your eyes open and watch for those red flags! 

Thank you!  Thank you for being a voice for the children!!!  Thank you for keeping your eyes open!  Thank you making it more and more difficult for pedophiles to get to the children!  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for helping to make this a safer place for our children! To those who have been abused, please remember that you didn’t do anything to cause this!  You really and truly are worthy.  And, NOBODY can take that away from you!

Love, Clara