Married to a Pedophile: “Raw Thoughts from a Survivor of Abuse”

Sometimes I feel it’s necessary to veer from my normal writing pattern and share some inner glimpses of where my heart is — right at this moment.  And, that’s just what I’m going to do today.

A few nights ago, I was having a rough time.  I had spoken to three different victims of child sexual abuse on that particular day, and after hearing their stories of pain and suffering, I began thinking about the man I had shared my life with for almost forty years.  I began thinking about all of the pain that this one man — a man who called himself a preacher and teacher of the word of God — caused to so many different people.  After hearing from these victims of child abuse, my mind began thinking about how horrible it is to have to try to put your life back together again when a pedophile abuses not just your physical body but your mind.

And, the more I thought, the more pained I became and the more angry I got! 

I decided to share a few of my thoughts with you so that you understand more completely what kind of torment victims of abuse suffer.  And, it is my prayer that by your understanding, you will continue to be motivated to become more educated about the mind and workings of pedophiles and other abusers so that you can help in this God-given work to prevent child sexual abuse and help keep our children safe!

This is an unedited version of a few thoughts that I wrote one night last week.  Raw.  Real.  Deep.  Questioning.

From my journal:

“There are moments when I feel so alone and afraid in this life and I long for nothing more than for strong arms to pull me close and tell me that all will be well.  And, I curse you — the one who abused so many — for lying to me, for deceiving me, for using me and so many others.  I curse you loudly and I wish so much that you could hear.  I wish that my words could reach you and hurt you in a thousand different ways more than you hurt others.

I curse you.  I scream how much I hate what you’ve done.  And, yes, I even shout that I hate you!  And, then I soak my pillow with the hot tears that are streaming down my face for turning into someone who I never wanted to become.

And, I beg God to forgive me.

In the middle of the night when life feels so dark and lonely, I question God again.  Why?  Why did you allow me to marry this man when you knew who he was?  Why did you answer my prayers for a kind, compassionate Christian man by giving me a man who went about doing so much evil?  Why was he the one you chose for me out of all of the men in the universe?  Why, God?  Why?

And, I think thoughts that never should be my thoughts.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am full of questions and I have no answers — none this make any sense.

Why, God, do you allow people like him to live and leave behind such a trail of destruction to so many innocent children?  Would it not have been better to end his life before he harmed so many?

And, I wish.  I wish that he had died a long, long time ago before he had the chance to harm so many lives.

And, then the guilt comes rushing in and I cry out to God in my pain.  Forgive me!  I don’t understand!  None of this part of life makes any sense!

I doze off into a fitful sleep where he enters my dreams, and I wake up feeling so confused and feeling so alone. And, afraid.  And, I cry bitter agonizing tears for those who have been hurt by this man who I once shared the innermost part of my soul with — the man who lied and deceived and harmed so many innocent people.

Is this tidal wave of emotions ever going to end?  Will there ever be a day of complete calm?  Will peace — total peace — ever reside in my heart?

Tears overcome me and I bury my head in my pillow again.”

Morning will be arriving soon, and I sit upright and turn on the light.  I look at pictures of my children and grandchildren and it is then that life begins to make some sense again.  It is then that a calmness begins to wash over me.  It is then that I am reminded that God has a plan.

God had a plan for my life all of the time. 

I dry my eyes, and I feel the strength of life returning to me.

There is work to be done.  There are children to help.  God has called me to a work, and I will carry on.

And, I mouth the words with strength, “You, John Hinton, no longer define me. The abuse you inflicted no longer defines me.  I am free.  I am free.  Thank God, I am free!”

On April 11, 2015, there will be a powerful Sex Abuse Workshop in Somerset, Pennsylvania.  It will be like nothing you have ever seen or heard!  My son and I will have a session where we will “tell our story” — you will not want to miss this!  There will be a Criminal Investigator who will outline for us how we can report child sex offenders.  There will be a father of sexually abused victims speaking.  There will also be a counselor who has worked in the prison system with sex offenders, as well as  a Chaplain and Pastor.  And, there will be one more added surprise that will be a most special encouragement for victims of child sexual abuse.

We know that not everyone reading this will be able to attend in person, so there is work being done to try to get this workshop streamed live to you.  Please be sure to register here if you want to be part of this power-packed day!

Every effort is being made to make DVD’s of this day available to you, also.  If you are interested in a DVD, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com  and give me your name and address.  Someone will be sure to contact you about the DVD’s.

It is my hope and my prayer that every victim of abuse will receive some kind of encouragement from this writing.  You do not have to let your abuser define you!  God has a very clear plan for every life.

You are a special person — and you do not have to live in the chains abuse any more.

You can be FREE!  Totally FREE!  As we continue to grow in our education about child sexual abuse, so will our empowerment grow until one day you will say with confidence, “I am FREE!  Yes, I am totally FREE!”

Thanks so much for sharing this information with others.  Be sure to register for the workshop.  You will receive valuable information that will help you in our combined effort of being a voice for all children in this fight against child sexual abuse!

Love,

Clara

Next time we will move forward with my continuing story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years and not knowing it. If you are new to this blog, please start here.