Married to a Pedophile: What Does It Feel Like?

Thanks so much for visiting this blog and a very special thank you for so many who continue to refer others to read this blog.  I really and truly feel like lives are being changed as we educate others on this highly sensitive topic of pedophilia as well as emotional abuse and manipulation.

If you’re new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin reading my story here.  For almost forty years I was married to a preacher and the father of my eleven children.  This man who I loved with all of my heart was also someone I didn’t know.  Much to my horror, he was also a practicing pedophile who molested children for almost fifty years.

My heart is broken.

When I found out that this man I lived with, ate meals with, worshipped God with, vacationed with, shared intimate times with, had children with was also a man who lied, manipulated, controlled, and molested children my life was forever changed.

Today was one of those “off” days — the kind where you just wish you could stay in bed.  I know we all have them.  Maybe it was the weather, or maybe just weariness of mind, body, and spirit.  A bright spot of  the day, though, was being a guest speaker at Allegany College of Maryland.  My topic was “An Introduction to Grief:  How Do We Climb Out of the Pit?”.

I don’t know why, but I felt the need to have a family member with me, so I invited my son Jimmy.  And, I was so glad that he said he’d go with me!  We had two hours to talk together while driving to and from the college — something we’ve not had time to do in a long, long time.

We talked about the usual everyday things of life, and then the tone shifted.  We were quiet for a few minutes, and then…………….

“Why, Jimmy?  Why do you think dad did these things? 

I respect Jimmy so much.  He’s my son, but he’s also my confidante and often my strength.  He is such a fine young man who has had such a burden to carry since his dad’s investigation and imprisonment.  Because Jimmy is a minister he’s the one I called on first when I found out about John.  Jimmy is the one John went to and said, “Yes, it’s true.  I’ve been molesting children all of my life, Jimmy.  I’ve done all of those things. Every one of them.  Yes, that’s me.”

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a son hearing those words from your father — the father who was not just your dad, but your friend, your preacher, your Sunday School teacher, and the man who you modeled so much of your life after.

My heart broke some more as I saw the deep pain in Jimmy’s eyes.

“Mom, dad knew he was doing wrong.  Of course he did.  But, that didn’t stop him.  I’m not sure he can understand yet the depth of the wrong he’s done.  In his mind, he sees things different than we do.  He sees children different than we do.”

And we both sat in silence as we continued along the drive to the college.

“Jimmy, I think dad loved me.  In his strange way, I really do.”

I guess I’m trying to convince myself that just a part of him loved me.  It’s a terrible feeling to know you were lied to for years and years and years.  It’s horrible to know the man you shared your deepest thoughts and dreams with was not the man you thought he was.  It leaves you feeling betrayed, used, and in many ways it makes your life seem like such a mockery. I feel like such a fool.  I shared my soul with a man for most of my earthly life and I was used in so many different ways to help fulfil his own selfish, deplorable desires.  There was a time when I felt like such a fulfilled, useful woman of God, and now……..not so.  Any woman used and abused will tell you she is stripped of her self-worth.  It’s a feeling of humiliation and degradation.

“Jimmy, I know dad loved you kids.  I know it.  That part couldn’t have been a lie.”

“I know.  I know he loved us.”

And, we sat in silence some more.

We talked about the children who fell at the hands of John — the ones who were molested.  How must they feel?  How betrayed!  How used!  How confused!  How horrifying!  And, how shattered.

Faith.  God.  Trust.  Forgiveness. Anger. We talked about those things, too.

“How do you trust anyone, Jimmy?  I have no trust left in me.”

I could see the struggles in his eyes, and in the way his shoulders slumped as he continued to drive.

We don’t have answers about this journey our family is traveling.  It’s a painful journey and it’s hard to think about.  Yet, it’s now ours to travel.  John is in prison for thirty years.  Most likely he will die in prison.  Our hearts ache so much for what we have lost as a family, BUT we ache even more for those who were used and abused by this man we thought we knew.  We hurt so much for those who now live in a prison of their own and must fight daily to try to break free of the prison of abuse and molestation.

Being molested is a trauma not easily overcome! 

Why am I writing these thoughts today?  I guess because sometimes I just feel the need to share with each of you what it feels like.  It hurts on so many levels.  Abuse is a terrible thing.  It causes so much pain and the pain lingers on and on and on.  Never is life the same!

Jimmy and I are committed to educating others about how pedophiles work.  Our hearts are moved by pain and brokenness to help keep others free from the pain that has touched our lives and all of the lives that have been deeply harmed by the actions of just one pedophile named John.

It’s embarrassing to talk about.  It’s difficult to speak the words, “My dad is in prison.  He’s a child molester.”  “My ex-husband is in prison.  He is a pedophile.”  Truthfully, I want to scream, “NO! It isn’t true!  It didn’t happen!  It’s all wrong!”, but I’ll never be able to say those words because it is true.

All of it is true.

And, so we will continue on this journey faltering and stumbling along the way as we try our best to teach others about the trappings and snares set by pedophiles.  We will try our best to teach awareness to all who will listen.

We will share our pain in hopes that you and innocent children will not have to suffer at the hand of a molester.

Our story isn’t all that unique.  I’m finding that everywhere I go, everywhere I turn someone shares very quietly, “I was molested as a child but I never told.  I was so ashamed and I was afraid that nobody would listen.”

Today we know people will listen!  We have ears ready to listen and hearts open to helping!  Let’s continue to travel this journey together and help spread awareness.

Pedophiles are walking among us.  Who are they?  They are your husband, your neighbor, your scout leader, your teacher, your coach.  A child molester could be anyone!

Red flags to look out for: How to spot a pedophile .

Help us to help the children!  Help us create safe environments for the innocent ones.  Let’s put up barriers that make it impossible for molesters to reach our children!

Love,

Clara

PS  The next post will continue on in my story of what it was like to be married to a pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it.