Married to a Pedophile: “What Happens When Dad is Missing?”

Thank you so very much for all of the many comforting words following the sudden, unexpected death of my oldest son, Mike.  Your words have been like a healing salve to a wounded, hurting soul.  As a family, we’ve suffered some mighty big blows to the heart in the past five years, but nothing to compare to the death of my son.

When John was incarcerated for crimes of child molestation, our family dynamics changed immediately.  Without ever saying a word, Mike stepped up to the plate, and became a surrogate father, of sorts.  He was the oldest son — not an easy position

It became apparent to me that Mike was going to assume the role of leadership in the family — the place that his dad once had.  Mike was extremely close to his father as a young boy, a teen, and then a grown man.  We never exchanged many words about Mike’s pain after John went to prison.  We didn’t have to.  The pain and brokenness showed in Mike’s face.

But, Mike was a leader.  He became our strength.  He was the one who we consulted when we didn’t know what to do and were feeling so lost.  Mike was the brother that seemed to be like a magnet to all ten of his siblings.  He had that presence about him that made you feel safe and secure.  One look at him and you felt like everything was going to be okay.

And, it was okay.

But, now it’s not. 

We feel so lost once again.  We smile outwardly, but inwardly there is so much pain that with each rhythmic beat of the heart, it feels like the pain is going to break loose and explode.

We’re already thinking about how different this year’s Christmas will be.  Mike was the one who took over when John was in prison.  When Mike walked through the door, all eyes were on him as if to say, “Okay.  Finally you’re here.  Now we can be okay.  Now we can breathe.  Now we can relax.  Now we can laugh and it will feel so good!”

Why does life have to hurt so much sometimes? 

I pulled my bible from the nightstand by my bed the other day and I was on a mission to find the answers to that question.  I searched through hundreds of underlined Scriptures, but nothing seemed to help.  I couldn’t find the answer to my question.

So, instead I thought of Mike.  What would he say?  He had traveled all of the United States, and he had the privilege of shooting some film in parts of Africa where there was hunger and starvation and illness and so much pain.  His eyes had seen so much of life — the good parts and the really hard parts.

What would Mike say about  so much pain and suffering in this world?

Knowing Mike, I don’t think he would have said much.  Instead, he would have gone outside and chopped some wood and built a campfire.  He would have called family and friends together and he would have had a party.  There would have been plenty of great food for everyone.

And, there would have been storytelling, reminiscing of good times, and lots and lots of laughter — all of this while making so many new and lasting good memories!

There would have been no time for sadness.  Life was to be lived in the here and now.  And, it was to be lived with gusto!

Every single minute of life counted to Mike!  What a legacy to leave behind!!!

Mike’s youngest sister was trying on her wedding dress in this picture above.  Probably nobody except me knew that he came inside to hug his sister while she was trying on her dress and to tell her how “cool” she looked.

Nobody knows what Mike was feeling at this moment except him.  I’m sure there was pride.  I know there was so much love.

And, pain.

Mike’s father was missing and Mike was going to fill those shoes for his sister, but it hurt so, so bad.  Some brokenness is really hard to heal, and a missing dad is that kind of brokenness!

When a pedophile molests young children, he also deeply hurts and violates an entire host of people.  A pedophile hurts all of those people who trusted him.  He hurts his family in ways that are unable to be explained with mere words.

The pain a pedophile inflicts is the kind of pain that breaks hearts — many, many hearts.

And, that is why I will continue to work hard to educate children and adults on how to keep themselves safe from these predators!  Nobody should ever have to feel this kind of lasting pain — ever!

Mike, I pray you can hear the prayers of your mother.  I love you for all that you were to our family.  We miss you in ways that are sometimes unbearable.  We want you with us so much that sometimes we feel like we’re going to break and fall apart.

But, your spirit lives on!  And, it always will!

Even in your death, you are helping many, many people learn how to live with thanks, joy, and laughter!  Oh, how much we need and appreciate that part of you right now!

We love you so very much, and miss you even more!

Love,

Mom

To my cherished readers — I will soon be partnering with the non-profit ChurchProtect and I am thrilled about that!  I just ordered my ChurchProtect t-shirt today and I cannot wait to wear it with pride!  ChurchProtect is all about keeping our children safe from predators.  The t-shirt message is powerful!  If you’d like to order a t-shirt, too, and be identified as a “child protector”, you can get one here.  Let’s get this ball rolling!

A very special thank you to all who continue to bless me and my family with your love, prayers, and words of encouragement!