Married to a Pedophile: “Why Don’t the Abused Tell?”

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up with my story of being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — without knowing it.  Just hearing the word pedophile pains me.  And, finding out that while I was sharing my heart and soul with the man I vowed to love for all the days of my life, while I was having a family with the man I wanted to be the father to my children, while I was giving my all to my marriage — while I sincerely loved this man — he was molesting children.   I cannot put into words how this has changed me.  I cannot explain the lack of trust I now have.  I cannot adequately choose the right words for the daily pain that has come into my life knowing that this man I loved clearly was causing pain and devastation to so many. 

In the last post that I wrote of my life with a pedophile, I explained that he was a charmer.  He came across to others as one of the nicest men that has ever walked the face of this earth.  In fact, many people today still comment that John was such a wonderful friend and servant of God.  Even though he is currently  living the rest of his life in prison for terrible crimes he committed against innocent children, his charm remains deceiving.

While married to John, I knew that he was abusing me.  He was emotionally abusive to me.  He never hit me with his fists, but he beat me mercilessly with his words.  And, he was kind while doing it!

How?  You are probably scratching your head wondering how I can say such a thing.  John, as is part of the profile of a pedophile, was controlling and manipulative beyond words.  His control was such that if I walked out of the room, I felt a need to tell him where I was going and what I was doing.

“I’m going to go get a glass of water.  I’ll be right back.”  “I’m going to go fold a load of laundry.  It’ll take me ten minutes.”  “I’m going to get a shower.  I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

You might be laughing saying, “That’s ridiculous. Why would you put up with such nonsense?  Why would you feel compelled to tell him your every move?”

Because that’s just how controlling pedophiles are!  That’s just how controlling sociopath-pedophiles are!  I was so beaten down emotionally by this time in our lives, that I no longer had my own personality.

I didn’t know who I was.  I had lost my own identity.

Living with a controlling, abusive person messes with your mind in a most mysterious way.  You are made to feel guilty for not obeying — even when the abuse hurts.  Since I’ve spoken publicly about living with a pedophile, I’ve had many abused women (no men to date) talk to me about their lives with an abusive mate, and also many have shared about their lives as a child living through the hell of being abused sexually and emotionally.

Their stories are so similar to mine.

We, the abused, often try to tell. 

At first we give clues to feel people out.  Will they listen to me?  Will they believe me?  Keep in mind, the abuser is almost always a charmer who is loved by the world! And, quite honestly, we know we run the risk of not being believed. 

After being called things like worthless, useless, ugly, fat, crazy, liar, lazy for years on end, you begin to believe these things about yourself.  There were moments in my own life when I had to sit down and wonder if I had lost my sanity.  After all, I had a husband who would mock me to my kids saying, “Don’t listen to her.  Your mother is crazy.”

And, I’d catch glimpses of him making faces to the kids behind my back when I was correcting them.  In private John would say, “Ease up on those poor kids.  You’re expecting too much.  You don’t understand kids at all.  They think you’re crazy!”

What he was doing, was brilliant on his part.  He was never the one who reprimanded the kids.  He was the gentle, patient, kind, understanding, level-headed father, and I got labeled the crazy one.  He was building a fool-proof, safe, strong support system.  He knew he had charmed his children into believing I was crazy and he was the Christian, godly, servant father who was living with a crazy woman.

And, I am recently finding out that he talked to others about me in the same way telling people that I had a “mental condition.”  One of my daughters recently shared with me that “dad always told us you were bipolar and you had real mental issues.”

None of that is true, but I have to tell you that there were times when I thought I was going over the edge.  All abused people feel this way.

Is it any wonder that we, the abused, often doubt our own sanity?  We’re being told daily that we’re crazy, worthless, and useless!  Please think about that and let that sink in.  This is so detrimental to both children and adults, and this is a ploy — a real tactic — of the abuser!  And, it works!!!!

Being told you’re lazy, worthless, crazy, ugly, insignificant creates a real dependency.  The abused person feels like there is no way to make it alone in this world.

Let me get personal.

By the last years of our marriage, I felt like I was a piece of dirt.  I felt as though I was not just unloved, but that just the mere sight of me was unlovable to anyone who saw me.  I held my head low.  I felt ashamed of the weak person I had become.  It felt as though nobody in the world cared if I lived or died — and to be honest — I’m not sure that anybody did care at that point in my life.

John was not a person to verbalize his love to me.  In fact, he was among the poorest of communicators “to me” that I’ve ever met.  He could tell someone else how lovely they were.  He could easily use the words, “I love you.  You’re beautiful.  You’re special.  You’re a vital part of the church and community” when talking to others.

But, when it came to talking to me — he was silent.  *Note:  He did give me cards, and I’ve concluded that he did that because that was for show.  He often would make a big production in church handing me flowers or cards in front of people, but in private he was a totally different man.  Women swooned over him saying they wished their husbands were just like John.  Many women said they were jealous of me having someone that loved me so deeply and who wasn’t afraid to show it.

He worked the system, and he worked it well!  That’s just how abusers do.  They are smart.  They are cunning.  They are deceptive.  They are world class liars!

So, why do the abused stay with an abuser?

That’s easy to answer.  Because we’ve been primed and programmed to believe we cannot make it on our own.  We’ve grown to believe the horrible things said to us, and little by little our self-worth, our self-esteem, and our worthiness is chiseled away until there is nothing left.

We give up and take the abuse.

I will continue this discussion next week, because I think it’s so important to carry through and give some help to those being abused.

Trust me when I say you can break free from the abuser!  We need to teach this lesson to our children in a way that they understand physical abuse is never to be tolerated.  Ever!  And, we need to help them understand that they must tell on the abuser!  And, we must believe the children who tell!

There is a very real connection between a child who has been sexually abused turning into an adult who lives with an abuser.  Although I was never sexually abused as a child, both my mother and father were extremely emotionally abusive to me.  And, that is why I believe I was such an easy target for John when he was searching for a mate who would unknowingly mask his life as a pedophile.

Please feel free to share your comments. Part of the reason I have this blog is so that you can gain a voice and be heard.

If you are living in an abusive situation right now, I promise you that you do have the inner strength to get away.  You must break away before you are destroyed!

If you are a child who has been sexually abused and emotionally abused, you also must break free from this bondage!  It’s time for us to expose these predators and push them out of the darkness into the light where they can be exposed for who they really are.

It’s time to speak out and tell!  It’s time to take action!

My story will continue next week……………..

In the meantime, I’m thrilled that my son and a couple of others are working hard to create a safe place for those who have been abused.  My son Jimmy is the CEO and co-founder of Church Protect, Inc.

Listen to what Jimmy has to say:

Open original media

There is help for the abused.  There is hope for the abused.  There is a way to protect our children.  Let’s continue to grow as a voice so that we can stop these predators in their tracks and get help and encouragement to those who have been so brutally crushed down and torn apart by abuse.

My love to all,

Clara

If you are in need of a speaker for your group, please email me at:  clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com

Also, if you have endured the pain of child loss, I have founded a blog with ongoing support for child loss.  Please visit the blog and subscribe today.  Thank you for sharing all of this important information with others.  Again, my love to you.