What (not) to Say to a Parent Who Has Lost a Child

I am a bereaved mom.

And, that is a very, very, very difficult statement for me to say.  Why?  Because that one sentence makes child loss in my life “real.”  I have suffered the pain of six miscarriages, one stillborn baby boy, and now most recently the sudden, unexpected death of my firstborn son.

My heart is broken.  My grief cannot be described in words — only in feelings.  And, I know with complete certainty that my life has been changed forever.  Silent Grief.”  That was not the book I wanted to write.  In fact, the book I sent to publishers was a book called “My Special Gift” — a book that was about the baby girl God blessed me with following my stillborn son.

However, life doesn’t always turn out as we plan, and a publisher approached me and asked me to write a book on child loss.  And, that is how “Silent Grief” came about.

There was one thing I never, ever wanted to experience and that was the death of another child.

But, on May 22, 2015, life took a turn that I begged and prayed would never happen.  My adult son, my firstborn son, Mike, died without warning leaving behind a beautiful wife, his three young children, his siblings, hundreds of friends, and me, his mom,  whose heart has been shattered once again.

Life is often full of very cruel surprises and very painful twists and turns.  Sometimes we don’t know what to think, or where to go to find peace and solace.  For those of us who believe in God, often our core beliefs are challenged in ways we didn’t think possible.

One thing I do know is that we rely heavily on others for support during our darkest hours of grief.  There are times when we don’t have the strength to get through another hour much less another day.

Caring friends can make our broken world seem much more bearable. 

Often, though, our friends want to help, but they don’t know what to say or do when a child has died.  They care deeply, but since they have never walked this lonely, desolate, broken path before, sometimes the words that they say are not the words we need to hear.

As you listen to me talk about what helped me the most when my first son died,  maybe this will help you to explain to others how to help support you during your lonely hours of grief.

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Letting others know that we care doesn’t always come by way of our words.  In fact, as you heard in this video  many times the wrong words spoken to a grieving parent can hurt more than help.

Grief from child loss is so complicated.  For a long time following the death of our child we feel so alone that our despair often crushes us.  We are calling out for help in a swirling sea of tears and pain, and we want so desperately for someone to acknowledge that our child meant something to someone other than us.  We need others to remember our child! 

A simple hug speaks volumes to a grieving parent.

We don’t need to hear all of the trite clichés again because we’ve already heard them time and time again.  In fact, we often tune out those words and turn a deaf ear.

What we need is to simply know that others care.

Love,

Clara